windelina: (overdose)
Okay, I've realized that I sermonize when I direct. I take the opportunity to preach about things rather than give a simple direction. Then again, these are teenagers, so driving something home with a 3-minute diatribe is probably more effective in the long-run.

Is it bad to pontificate about things as a director? I don't know. It's all about explaining things. But do I waste time?
Given my actorly insecurities, I of course feel like this is a failing in me as a director and I should change it.
But perhaps it is not a failing.

I have the kids blocked to "parade" around the stage at the end of the show. (it looks better than it sounds) They were just rushing through it like it was a deathmarch, all clumped up on one another.
I went into a several-minute rhetorical question-and-answer: "As a chorus member, what are the odds that you are going to get a solo bow at the end of this show? Unless you're a lead, you NEVER get a solo bow. I've just handed each of you the opportunity for your own solo bow and you're pissing it away."

They did better after that.

I'm not feeling like I was as "fun" this time around, but perhaps my self-vision is skewed.

And while Lois and Bill are getting better, I am not objective any longer. So I've asked Monte to come and watch Monday night to give me an outside viewpoint. I mean, part of it is making lemonade out of bad casting choices (okay, cutting myself a break - my choices were extremely limited).

Tonight is fixing and cleaning and boy is it needed. Hopefully it will stick.

I feel bad when we're running through a dance and the kids aren't sure what comes next (and not a one of them will speak up, be confident and say "we did this" even though they've done the dance like 5 times and should remember) and the kids ask me and I say "I don't know."
I have to go look at my notes.
Cutting myself slack - I've currently got probably 15 dances in my head. But honestly - once we've run them enough, I know them by heart too.
Ah, I'm just feeling like I could do better.

I'm not a perfectionist.

windelina: (topofhead)
Autumn always excites change behaviors in me. This either revs me up with energy for plots and plans or suffuses me with restlessness and dissatisfaction with my current state.

I'm cranky-ish today. Superman died and there's a sort of ache about it - he seemed to be a true gentleman, courageous and strong. I'm feeling cut off from friends and oddly "fuck'em" about it. It's a nonsensical reaction, but it's there nonetheless. I'm feeling pretty up about where the show is, but I'm not as invested as I was for G&D. Maybe because I've proven I can do it already? Is it a sophomore slump?

I'm finding myself wondering if I should cut back on my obligations. I've got house obligations, theatre obligations, convention obligations, social obligations. Not to mention personal goals and dreams I want to pursue. I started working on the convention when I wasn't doing theatre. Now I'm doing theatre AND the convention. And I have a husband and a house. And a huge social circle.

But will my social circle suffer if I give up my visible and obvious ties to the relevant community? I mean, let's say I decided to let go of being on the board for CONvergence. How much would that impact my social ties, my opportunities to see these people I like? Hell, my social "clout"? (snork)

I don't know if I want kids, but it's obvious that my life would need a major rearrangement before it was even possible.

Right now, I'm envying people who don't "do" anything besides work and then go home and be social however seems best. I suppose it's a sign of burnout.

The thing is, I'm still engaged by all the things I do. There's still alot that I'd like to fix and improve with the convention. Theatre is a constant challenge. (I think I need to get back onstage and soon. I think I'm suffering long-term withdrawal effects. I haven't performed onstage in almost two years. So that's probably a contributing factor to my restless unhappiness.) There's nothing I'm doing that I'm actually bored with.

But I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Oh - and I don't really enjoy my job. I don't mind it, but surely there's a better way to spend the majority of my life? I'm getting older and resenting wasted time more. Then again, how many people get paid to surf the internet for whatever catches their fancy?
windelina: (Columbia)
Regular exercise
Cook something new once a week
Stretch everyday
Vocalize everyday
Have season tickets to the opera/the Guthrie/the orchestra
Dust, sweep, mop weekly
Set up regular household chore schedule
Regular walks and/or bike rides (preferably with husband)
Have smallish gatherings at our place once a month
Eat more vegetables
Balance cooking at home with eating out
Make eating out an Event
Expand my literary horizons: more books, more comics, more new stuff
Ride to work once a week during nice months
Balance theatre with all of this
Play the piano once a week
More sizeable house project once a month/quarter (like painting a room or reorganizing, not like redecorating a bathroom)
Get papers organized
Sew more often
Dance classes
Voice lessons
Other random classes: pottery, climbing, arial dance, Hindu dance, lecture series
Hm...a regular bookclub would be fun
Go out dancing more than once a year
Dress more for fun than for lazy (fun clothes can still be comfy)
A travel vacation at least once a year
More roadtrips
Better management of socializing (seeing friends more often)
Sing more showtunes when annoyed
Learn to weld
Regular pampering: either smelly girly stuff, or a massage, or a pedicure or something...

List is a work-in-progress. Feel free to offer more ideas! Or to state your own visions.

I am NOT an over-achiever. I am NOT a perfectionist.
Shut up.
Shut. Up.


Sep. 30th, 2004 12:11 pm
windelina: (topofhead)
Things only hurt you when you care about them.

Hurt = stress, disappointment, anger, frustration.


windelina: (Default)

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