Angst

[windelina]

I'm fat. And poor. And unsatisfied. And unsettled.

I'm scared that my Bianca will be lame. I'm terrified of my Lucentio. Thankfully, my Petruchio and Katherine should be at least watchable and enjoyable.

I am making good choices. I know that. But I feel very uninspired in general. Is it actually clever? Alot of my blocking feels clunky (doesn't help that the kids have NO IDEA of how to move/stand/act on stage). It's gonna take alot of tweaking.

I feel overwhelmed. I was more into directing "Guys and Dolls". I'm less into this one. Sophomore slump? Possibly. A reflection of my larger malais - very likely. And, of course, we're in the annoying part of rehearsal. Blocking and choreographing is a slog. Once you can start running things, it starts to feel more like you're actually accomplishing things.

I feel like all I do is yell at the kids. Then again, it's rarely an angry yell. I won't fret about it too much. And the yelling is usually to get their attention, let's be clear. Not "you're stupid!" or "do it NOW!" but instead "Hey! I'm talking here!"

I'm just feeling very under the wire and I don't want it affecting my choices, my direction or the kids enthusiasm. Bah!


I stopped on the way to rehearsal (didn't need to be there till 7pm) and saw the now-christened-Squishy. He makes terrific old man faces. Very "get off my lawn". Visited very briefly due to incipient rehearsal, but I hope to make another stop-by on Saturday.
This is the first rehearsal where I didn't get everything done that I'd planned on. Ah, well.

And I'm not prepared for tonight. Not yet. I'll be blocking and choreographing over lunch.

Got home from rehearsal and Monte gave me all sorts of support: a listening ear, a sounding board and also a cider. Num! Cider!

I need to be enjoying this more. I mean, really, it will come out fine. Some things will be better than G&D, some will be worse. I'm learning alot and doing things better than before. The kids are frustrating, but fun. And when I get it right - and I frequently do - it feels really damned good.

I'm good at this, dammit.

And I'm doing a better job of keeping on top of the other aspects: the set, the orchestra, the marketing (the posters are much better this time around).

I think if I were more satisfied within myself, I would be more satisfied with this experience. Very telling. Bears mulling, pondering and eventual acceptance.

And fuckall - it's a GREAT score and a really funny script. Even if I screw it up royally, it will still be entertaining.