Restless unsatisfied ennui

[windelina]

Autumn always excites change behaviors in me. This either revs me up with energy for plots and plans or suffuses me with restlessness and dissatisfaction with my current state.

I'm cranky-ish today. Superman died and there's a sort of ache about it - he seemed to be a true gentleman, courageous and strong. I'm feeling cut off from friends and oddly "fuck'em" about it. It's a nonsensical reaction, but it's there nonetheless. I'm feeling pretty up about where the show is, but I'm not as invested as I was for G&D. Maybe because I've proven I can do it already? Is it a sophomore slump?

I'm finding myself wondering if I should cut back on my obligations. I've got house obligations, theatre obligations, convention obligations, social obligations. Not to mention personal goals and dreams I want to pursue. I started working on the convention when I wasn't doing theatre. Now I'm doing theatre AND the convention. And I have a husband and a house. And a huge social circle.

But will my social circle suffer if I give up my visible and obvious ties to the relevant community? I mean, let's say I decided to let go of being on the board for CONvergence. How much would that impact my social ties, my opportunities to see these people I like? Hell, my social "clout"? (snork)

I don't know if I want kids, but it's obvious that my life would need a major rearrangement before it was even possible.

Right now, I'm envying people who don't "do" anything besides work and then go home and be social however seems best. I suppose it's a sign of burnout.

The thing is, I'm still engaged by all the things I do. There's still alot that I'd like to fix and improve with the convention. Theatre is a constant challenge. (I think I need to get back onstage and soon. I think I'm suffering long-term withdrawal effects. I haven't performed onstage in almost two years. So that's probably a contributing factor to my restless unhappiness.) There's nothing I'm doing that I'm actually bored with.

But I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Oh - and I don't really enjoy my job. I don't mind it, but surely there's a better way to spend the majority of my life? I'm getting older and resenting wasted time more. Then again, how many people get paid to surf the internet for whatever catches their fancy?

Comments

[wombat-socho.livejournal.com]

Amazing...we're such different people and we seem to be going through the same sort of problem anyway. Too much to do that needs doing (but a lot of it's fun, so that's okay) not enough time to do all those things and still hang out with all the people you want to see, and a job that doesn't really move you in the way we all think jobs ought to move us.

I'm not dealing with the situation all that well myself, so I can't give you any useful advice. About all I can do is offer you some sympathy.